Saturday, October 17, 2009

Chuck Johnson - Race Detective vol. I
















137 comments:

  1. I hope you all enjoy Volume I in the ongoing adventures of Chuck Johnson, Race Detective, as he and his Blog Queen Sharmuta battle evil creationists, fascists, racists, and other vile blogosphere menaces*.

    Will The Pony-tailed Avenger keep unwanted lifeforms from reading his blog? Will he finally defeat the forces arrayed against him? Will he ever get that blowjob from Ice Weasel? Will Sharmuta finally get her power turned back on? Will Irish Rose finally come out of her self-imposed exile and stop peeing herself? Will Chuck's ongoing two front war with Hot Air and Ace of Spades lead to his demise?

    Stay tuned for Volume II.... Same Chuck Time, same Chuck Channel.



    *anyone who has ever disagreed with Chuck Johnson in the past, present, future, or in any other dimension parallel to our own plane of existence.

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  2. This is about the funniest thing I've ever seen!

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  3. That format looks awful familiar.

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  4. Brilliant, cannot wait for the next installment. LOLOLOL!

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  5. Don't forget that planet Qix is undergoing a dramatic change in climate and that Dr. LVQ of the good ship HMS Jimmah is off to the rescue with carbon credits mined from the tax mines of planet revenue.

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  6. Brilliant and true!

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  7. Great piece of work! Is there any talent like this left at LGF? NO!

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  8. heh. Is anyone more deserving? heh.

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  9. Very funny, you obviously put allot of work into that.

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  10. That's an instant classic.
    I so wish I had thought of that/knew how the hell to do it. What a great idea. Excellent work.

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  11. Great work. too damn funny.

    to bad its really like that there

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  12. I do love my man Charles, I know I will win his heart from that bitch Ice Weasel in the end. Perhaps I just have to offer him something that she would never dare offer him.......

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  13. God is not mocked!

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  14. Oh my goodness! Is the bearded old man, Cato? Hahahahah...

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  15. Thank you for all of the encouragement and compliments. I plan to have Vol. II out in another week, time and day job permitting. :)

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  16. (still laughing)

    Hysterical, and all too true! Great work!!!

    Look forward to your following installments!

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  17. I hate all you Redneck Christians. You are evil and I hope Obama throws you all in Concentration Camps! How dare you incult Charles Johnson, he is the greatist man on Earth exposing you evil Christians!

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  18. Now THAT is funny stuff! Bravissimo!

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  19. Hilariously true! The wrath of CJ will know no bounds, we're all going to be banned!

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  20. Before you haters start laughing, let me remind you of one thing:

    THERE ARE FIVE A'S IN RAAAAACISM!

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  21. Hey iceweasel? This is how a *real* intellect employs mockery.

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  22. That's some funny s****

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  23. Excellent work! Bravo Bravissimo!

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  24. BITE ME! COMICS: 1

    LGF ZERO

    FAIL

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  25. Sharmuta: "Karma is a bitch."

    Me: Ain't it ever, darlin'. AIN'T. IT. EVER.

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  26. Rip splititng funny!

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  27. Delightful ridicule of Our Hero. As he knows his Alinsky, he also knows how damaging it is.

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  28. Oh are you gonna get a roasting for this, it will be worth it though because it was absolutely fabulous. And now I shall FLOUNCE away as I was accused of doing on lgf. mpw

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  29. I pulled a muscle in my ribcage from laughing so hard. BAN YOU! BAN YOU ALL TO HELL!

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  30. I laughed, and was banned instantaneously. It was hot.

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  31. Lawsuit threat from CJ in 3...2...1...

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  32. Who would have guessed that Charles Johnson would become the Al Sharpton of the blogosphere?

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  33. Alas, Iceweasel has done her work on Buzz. Cleft by the Banstick he is.

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  34. My God that is awesomely great. I'm linking it along.

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  35. That's funny right there. I don't care who you are.

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  36. Is this what's known as "BUTTHURT"?

    ROFLMAO!

    Kudos, BiteMe!Comics!

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  37. Oh man. Classic.

    To nitpick, Charles didn't retroactively approve Porcelain Trout's steaming jobby on HotAir. It was more like "I wouldn't have done it myself BUT". Your "Good work!" implies direct approval. That's getting into legally dangerous waters.

    But you're free to have Charles say something passive and slimy for his comments on that panel - like he actually did; it would be just as damaging and it might even be funnier. (For example, good job on the "let's hold off on that idea for now" a few panels later.)

    You nailed Sharmuta's behaviour.

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  38. Don't forget the Flemish Menace!

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  39. LMAO, what a gem!

    One suggestion, shouldn't the phasers have up and down-ding functions? Remember, karma is the life blood of lgf.

    Thumbs-up on the virgin copy BITE ME!Comics.

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  40. I await the landmark post on LGF debunking this comic book as fauxtography.

    Or is that "fauxligraphy"?

    We may indeed be treated to throbbing panels of debunkifying power.

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  41. To nitpick, Charles didn't retroactively approve Porcelain Trout's steaming jobby on HotAir. It was more like "I wouldn't have done it myself BUT". Your "Good work!" implies direct approval. That's getting into legally dangerous waters.


    All that means is that the quote is unsourced - it doesn't mean he couldn't have possibly said it, it just means there is not sourced. He has to prove he didn't say it.

    (Note: These new rules are Chuckles-Approved*)

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  42. I'm afraid this story will not be Comics Code-Approved due to its "Injury to the Ego" motif...

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  43. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

    The only thing missing was a frog leaping across a frame or two.

    Blow 'em up and sell 'em a la Lichtenstein and name your price. I am so on it.

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  44. Anonymous at 5:07 PM:

    "Who would have guessed that Charles Johnson would become the Al Sharpton of the blogosphere?"

    Aren't you giving him far too much credit? After all, he hasn't yet been able to shake-down major corporations...

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  45. Maybe you should introduce Sharmuta's previous incarnation, W-Lover, in the next installment.

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  46. Two thumbs up! Great job on mocking "Icraus" Johnson. As someone who has recently joined the List of the Banned (and I'm proud to be in such good company), let me say in closing to CJ, if you're reading this, BITE ME!

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  47. I've got your back at

    http://americandigest.org

    and I hope all others will do their bit in making this masterpiece of homage to the current poster boy for male menopause go viral.

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  48. If you're going to use Sharmuta's past incarnations, use them all!

    W-Lover
    Imadhimmi
    Polish Infidel
    Crazy8s
    Sharmuta

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  49. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.


    I am truely honored, Pamela! Thank you very much.

    And thanks to eveyrone else who has linked and/or visited this space. I appreciate the support. :)

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  50. I am pretty sure Chuckles-The-Clown just banned you from the Interwebs...
    THIS IS BRILLIANT! KUDOS!
    rightwingva... member of the Book of the Banned (made a mistake in mentioning I was a Christian)

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  51. Linkback at infinitemonkeyatthekeyboard.blogspot.com.

    Bravo.

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  52. Don't forget us global-warming skeptics, the Lord of the Goddamn Flies has it in for us too...

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  53. I haven't posted at LGF in a few years, but I still get the jokes and just want to say THANK YOU. This was fantastic.

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  54. Years ago, Charles ran a pretty good blog. Lately, he's become an asshole.

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  55. There's a thumbs up button and a thumbs down button, but whoe be to those who click the thumbs down.

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  56. Almost too realistic to be funny! Very, very clever and can't wait for the next episodes.

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  57. Priceless!...................

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  58. Well played ... I was cracking up reading it.

    Chuck, if you or any of the remaining echo chamber denizens read this, the message back to you, apart from the obvious bashing, is that you have indeed gone off the deep end. You used to decry anyone painting you with a brush about comments left on your site. CAIR had done this in the past, and you have the infamous disclaimer "Comments are open and unmoderated, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Little Green Footballs.". So let me ask you this Chuck ... is this a double fucking standard or what? I mean, here you are imputing motives upon the proprieters of a site such as hotair, based upon comments left in their site. Yet you demand that your motives are pure and clean and no one can impute motives on you based upon comments.

    This Chuck, is called intellectual dishonesty ... but I am being generous in calling it that.

    Have you noticed how your link sourcing has plummeted? Have you noticed how former friendly bloggers have dropped any links to you, cratering your traffic?

    Ever even think for, I dunno, a second or two, that you in fact were the cause of this?

    You fucked up, publically, in a most intellectually dishonest manner. You pushed away and attacked your friends, and alienated your long time reader base. You ban people who disagree with you, you happily remove their accounts.

    Your system, your rules.

    No matter how completely fucked up they are, they are your rules.

    They just weren't terribly intelligent rules Chuck. This is why your site is in the death spiral its currently in.

    Good job. Real good job.

    What I got out of this, apart from being banned, was exposure to a real writer, RS McCain, who is, fairly obviously, contrary to your slandering, not a white supremecist. In fact Stacy is a pretty damned good writer, a serious wit, and a gentleman.

    Unlike you in all aspects.

    Disparaging hotair for comments left on their blog as representative of their site operators, while you deny the same of your site, thats dishonest, disingenuous. Calling anyone who disagrees with you a racist, a bigot, a creationist, a climate denier ... that shows something else.

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  59. How're you gonna top this? 'Cause this is a home run.

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  60. This was awesome! I'm not even Christian and I can't bear Charles' anti-Christian bigotry. What a jerk.

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  61. This is fantastic - Linked in my last post of the evening. I eagerly await the next installment!

    Regards,
    Brian

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  62. since Irish Welfare Wh0re Rose, Brandon Yooper, Andrea Sharmuta, Killgore, Cato, Iceb!tch, and Fran Reine.du.toit are busy stroking CJ's ego, lest he banish them from his island, I bet they are seething over this. To that I say:

    "Get a f*cking job, you losers!

    Oh, well played!

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  63. Maaaahhh friends, I remember well the US election of 1984...Reagan vs. Mondale...Champion vs Loser...Man vs Boy.

    This fabulous comic book reminded me a lot of that election: a talented, highly-focused effort vs. an opponent who really WASN'T WORTHY of the effort it took to crush him. As I thought in 1984, at the time: "It's really like watching some tough guy pushing little old lady in a wheelchair down the stairs..."

    Aaaahhhh, but back in those days no-one had ever imagined the Net, or YouTube. Now we have both. Submitted for your viewing pleasure--Johnson's the one in the wheelchair:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ag6W2YQr63A&feature=related

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  64. Heh! I love it. Another member of the list of the Banned, Alberta Oil Peon.

    Love the characterizations you've done.

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  65. Omg I couldn't stop laughing. Brilliantly funny - well done!

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  66. Here's my link:

    "Chuck Johnson: Race Detective!" Charles Johnson Gets His

    http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/enemies_foreign_domestic/charles_johnson_gets_his.php

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  67. wow that was so dead on to the point that I am certain the this hit a little too close to home for the LGF regulars. I just can't possibly believe that some of them are not, squirming in their chairs, and just for a minute staring into the distace suppresing that little voice in their head that whispers: Maybe, just maybe, we really are lemmings; dupes; robots. The beginning of the deprogramming perhaps?

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  68. That's the way to do it! Noone should expect to be spared from insult and mockery.

    I recently aquired a LGF registration, and tried to introduce some civil debate and on-topic documentation on the site. My account lasted 1 minute 6 seconds from posting my singular comment...

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  69. Look if you people are so pissed off at my anti-Christian pro-CAIR rants then you can suck my peter.

    9-11 was no big deal but WE DID come from monkeys.

    Chuck

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  70. Please sign up Ronbo of The Freedom Fighter's Journal as a slatwart supporter of Chuck Johnson, The Fearless Race Detective!

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  71. LMAO-- I have thought, for awhile, since the election, that something happened to Charles. And Sharmuta appears on the blog, perpetually brown-nosing, and suddenly every post is about stupid Christians, stupid everybody, except Charles and Sharmuta. What happened to the LGF of IronFist and other non-compliants who have been turned off by this strange blog duo-Chuck and Sharmuta. She isn't even intelligent and his opinions have become unfathomable. Sad. LOVE the Comic, BiteMe. Thanks for the humour.

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  72. You need a section on how after Charles claims he 'founded' Pajama Media and eventually kicked out of PM blog ad revenue (how do you get kicked out of something you founded?); he suddenly started his descent into overt hate speech against Christians, Fox News, Republicans, Palin, Beck, Conservatives, anti-Jihadists, etc.

    It's like once the money was shut off by Pajama Media, he figured he would spite them by going to the Daily Kos/DU side to try and raise revenue. You know those kindergarten still life pictures of bike sprockets don't pay for themselves and his Lizard Army won't click on his Adsense ads or hit him up on Paypal donate.

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  73. More, please!

    Storyline suggestion. Someone mentioned Sharmuta used to be W-Lover. She also had the sock puppets Polish Infidel, Imadhimmi and occasionally Brett Favre and had conversations with herself.

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  74. I too have been banned by Chuck. I guess I shouldn't have told him his choice of music "sucks". He also has a problem with his German. Goose

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  75. As the saying goes, "It is funny because it is true!"

    Major props to the author of this blog. I don't think I could really say the right words to describe how awesome this piece of work was.

    Brilliant, amazing, hilarious, dead-on accurate, and exciting all rolled into one blog post. A+++ my new friend.

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  76. I was banned by this long haired dildo licker, too. Excellent job roasting this sad fucker,

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  77. INCREDIBLY BRILLIANT SATIRE! Yeah, I'm shouting. It's been a long time since I've seen such a stunning takedown. Congratulations. Of course, you know what this means? War!
    ...this in turn spawning countless sequels for us to enjoy! Thanks!

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  78. Banned by LGF also. 'Course, it was at my request. Got tired of Christian bashing.

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  79. Yepper- very funny- accuate and true.

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  80. PRICELESS !!!!!!!!!!!
    I used to read that blog until I was banned for making a comment about his creationism obsession !!
    After being banned, I started to take a really hard look at what he was posting, and decided I was better off not being there.
    Great parody !!!!!!!

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  81. Very funny, very clever - something that was lost in late '2007' at LGF. Congratulations from perhaps the first of the banned to note Charles has a .... .. for anything Christian.

    ~ Goodbye_Natalie

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  82. Wow, that was awesome! LGF reminds me of the tower of Sauron falling at the end of the 3rd LOTR movie.

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  83. It now has come to this. Now, the posters at LGF are dening that Kilgore Trout (LGF Moderator) posted racist comments on Hot Air among other blogs.

    "Splatt Sat, Oct 17, 2009 6:20:05pm replyquote

    So the implication in that comic is that it's YOU guys who are actually posting the racist rants on Hot Air?! In an effort to see if they'll delete them?!

    How diabolically clever. I wonder how long it took them to come up with that concept?"

    Is it that Charles has hidden this incident from his regulars or is there a collective, racist, LGF cognitive dissonance to the event.

    In any event, it did happen and Charles for all his claims of finding racism outside his blog, tolerates racist moderators at his own blog.

    How intellectually dishonest and hollow.

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  84. Awesome! I was one of the MANY banned for being critical of LGF on other sites. Previously I was banned for being critical on LGF of Chuck's non-stop flood of posts on his own greatness as a web programmer (he is strictly average -- nothing special). Either way, disagree and get banned. He richly deserves being called out as a total douchebag but thousands upon thousands of people.

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  85. Too much fun.

    Outstanding set of jugs on that Sharmuta chick, too.

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  86. Again, thanks to everyone who has commented, linked to this, and such. I am honored and thrilled to see the reactions of people.

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  87. All this was foreseen by Darwin.

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  88. Haha! Somebody posted your link on LGF and Chuckles got pissed, demanding that nobody click the link because it'll send you traffic.

    Yeah, Charles is going through Manopause. I also love the "donate" buttons.

    Keep up the great work, can't wait for your next one! Well Done!!!

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  89. This is Sham WOW!!!!!!!! Honestly one of the funniest bits of satire I have seen and dead on the mark!

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  90. Just great comedy and excellently done!

    Congratulations!

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  91. Ummm, I believe rsmccain has yet a THIRD front opentd up, not yet sure if LGF forces have returned fire, but I don't exactly go to that site anymore. Got that Chuckles? Give. It. Up. Cuz I KNOW your paranoid ass is reading this.

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  92. Well done!

    Maybe saying that will get me banned at LGF. Who cares.

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  93. Boy, was I out of the loop. I never knew that Sharmuta was a she. I quit reading over at LGF when he and his sycophants starting going off on Christians. I don't need that sort of crap.

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  94. Same here, I stopped reading LGF when Charles went on his creationism-bashing campaign. I used to enjoy his blog, which I think hit its zenith around the time of the "throbbing memo".

    But then came the worrying bits:

    * CJ's apparent fallout with PJM
    * Fallout with Gates of Vienna
    * Fallout with Robert Spencer

    And finally, the "don't say anything mean about Obama" crap. Worked perfectly for McCain, didn't it???

    I was shocked to see just how far the mighty had fallen, with reports of CJ not only banning people from posting, but banning them via IP address from even reading his blog.

    Keep up the good cartooning. I loved it.

    Oh, and the poster who wrote "BAN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" practically had me pissing my pants lol :)

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  95. How about giving some credit to original artist Wally Wood instead of letting people think you did anything beyond type different text onto these comic pages?

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  96. Ooooo snarky and preening at the same time. Good comment.

    If you think people think the "art" was done by BITE ME, you need to, well, bite me!

    Trust me when I tell you.... "We get it."

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  97. How about giving some credit to original artist Wally Wood instead of letting people think you did anything beyond type different text onto these comic pages?

    OH SHIT! YOU CAUGHT ME! OH NOES! WHAT WILL I DO? WHERE WILL I GO? HOW CAN I POSSIBLY SHOW MY FACE IN PUBLIC AGAIN? I AM ROooont!

    And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids.

    For the record, I was wondering what took Chuck's flying monkeys so long to come in here. Got your marching orders in the sooper sekrit lounge thread last night, huh?

    Thanks for dropping by!

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  98. And for the record, I've missed you Ice Weasel.

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  99. Since some of the links below describe BITE ME as a "web artist", it seems that not everyone "gets it". In any case, seems only appropriate to credit the original artist. Wally Wood was one of the greats.

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  100. Wally Wood was one of the greats.


    Yes he was. And that is the only constructive thing you have added to this whole conversation.

    And for the record, I am a web artist. You do realize, don't you, that an "artist" is not just about drawing, right? I mean, if one of you left-wing whackjobs can stick a picture of Jesus into a jar of urine, and be considered an "artist", well, I KNOW I am at a far higher level than that.

    Good day, sir.


    I SAID "GOOD DAY"!

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  101. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  102. Moleman, puh-lease quit niggling about and embrace autofellatio as your true and only friend.

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  103. I've always found that whenever someone uses the word "appropriate" in a conversation or a comment I am always in the presence of a fool or a tool. Often both.

    Unless,of course, they mean it in the sense of "It's time to appropriate this art."

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  104. All art is appropriated. I used recognizable public domain works, did not alter any copyright notices or artists' signatures (any that existed are still within that comic). Now I can see where I went wrong.

    When what I should have done, is merely changed all the colors. Had I done that, it would be hanging in the White House right now.

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  105. So you've done work besides what is shown on this web page or does your definition of artist now include "someone who scans another persons work and types over their words"? In any case, I agree you're operating at a higher level than a urine covered Jesus. But why set the bar so low? Pornography involving stumps, TV shows where horses solve crimes, over-the-hill greeting cards with jokes about incontinence, popular music played on pan flute...your repetition of the same joke for 5 pages...oops, I mean your "art"...has them all beat. Can't wait to see what new and exciting directions you take this joke in in volume 2!

    And "all art is appropriated"? Spoken like a true "artist".

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  106. "I've always found that whenever someone uses the word "appropriate" in a conversation or a comment I am always in the presence of a fool or a tool. Often both."

    That explains why you're the one using phrases like auto-fellatio.

    Stay classy!

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  107. Can't wait to see what new and exciting directions you take this joke in in volume 2!


    Thanks! I appreciate the encouragement! Please feel free to follow me on Twitter - be the first in your neighborhood to know when I release the next one!

    Again, thanks!

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  108. And thanks to you for making a post letting everyone know about the actual artist who created the Space Detective comics!

    Oh, wait...

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  109. Hans Moleman said...

    Oh, shit! Someone just criticized Charles!! LOOK OVER THERE!!

    This nitpicking bullshit to try to discredit Bite Me! Comics just proves BMC's point.

    You remaining lizards are all a bunch of fucking nuts who know how to do one thing only, and that is kiss Johnson's ass.

    Well done, BMC!

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  110. And thanks to you for making a post letting everyone know about the actual artist who created the Space Detective comics! Oh, wait...

    Maybe when Charles stops taking credit for everything that happened with Dan Rather and the TANG docs, Bite Me can put up a neon sign screaming the name of the original comic book artist.

    What kind of dumbass does it take not to realize this was an adaptation of an old comic book? And what difference does it make? It's funny as hell, because it's TRUE.

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  111. Hans?

    "Every artist is a cannibal,
    Every poet is a thief;
    They all kill for inspiration,
    And then sing about their grief."

    Please get a grip.

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  112. Well, if Bono said it it must be true.

    Good point!

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  113. "That explains why you're the one using phrases like auto-fellatio."

    Actually, moleman, I was using it to suggest to you an activity other than errant pecksniffery that might be more immediately and deeply satisfying to you.

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  114. "Actually, moleman, I was using it to suggest to you an activity other than errant pecksniffery that might be more immediately and deeply satisfying to you."

    I'm glad you put away the encyclopedia of obscure sexual terms, but why'd you decide to bust out the 1800s dictionary? Do people take you more seriously if you sound like Charles Dickens?

    Curse this hooligan and his ill-fitting pantaloons! I've a mind to bust him in the knackers!

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  115. OMG! I've heard about this comic, I've read folks quoting it, now I've actually had time to visit your site and enjoy.

    Again.....O....M....G!!!!!! ROTFLMAO - way too funny and spot-on accurate personality profiles! Can't wait for round 2.

    Keep up the excellent work.

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  116. True art!
    Love it!

    Hell, I agree with Chuckles about creationists, and I STILL dislike the turd.

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  117. Gadzooks! (h/t to Hans) that's some great snark!

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  118. Charles Johnson's income from his anti-Christian, anti-Republican blog must be so low, that he is trying to sell Halloween costumes from Amazon. Not in a text link or a banner ad like other blogs, but he actually posted a complete post about them with a comments section. That's so sad.

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  119. He's also recently added "Wingnuts" as a category for links you can submit. The presumed next step is deleting the "Moonbats" option.

    Given the recent uptick in pictures of boardwalks and beaches, and the desperate Amazon shilling, I'm starting to wonder if he's actually homeless. Probably teh ebil Republicants' fault or something.

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  120. OMG! Wally Wood is my all time favorite comic book artist!!!

    Just awesome!

    Cheers

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  121. I would pay some serious amount of money to subscribe to this comic "Bite Me". Best laughs I've had in months because it's so true. That's the part that makes it even more funny, is that it's not a stretch of the truth in any way. I've been waiting and waiting to see if the lies told on his blog would ever be exposed about so many people they've impuned as being white supremacists or associated with them, who are not. All to stroke his own ego and his fellow egomaniacs. Yes, Karma is a bitch indeed and I love it.

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  122. One of the more entertaining threads I've read recently at LGF was the one where the title of "English Defense League" racist. That the term in itself is racist so the group must also be racist. So would the title "American Defense League" be considered racist too. I mean, the name of the country that the English Defense League" represents is named ENGLAND. But this along with some pictures of some of those in the crowd at a demonstration outstretching their arms is proof positive that the organization if full of a bunch of white supremacists is the prevailing wisdom on this thread at LGF. Someone pointed out that the hand gesture was NOT a nazi salute. That the nazi salute is an outstretched arm with 4 fingers outstretched. In the pictures, some people in England were holding up a finger and others were having their fists. Gestures commonly used in England for all kinds of things, including soccer games. When this was pointed out, Johnson said that white supremacist groups have modified the original nazi salute as to be a secret salute so they can maintain deniability that it's a nazi salute. I guess when none of your theories hold water, you have to just keep grasping at straws. Of course, there were a ton of deleted comments. So now, to these crazies, any outstretched arm is a nazi salute and any use of the word "English" in a title of an organization (even when that organization represents the country of ENGLAND) amounts to racism. And of course, put the two together and that is proof positive to the LGF crusaders.

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  123. I have a feeling Charles is no longer running the place, anymore.

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